In this post, I continue this series that 2025 is The Year for Better Male Friendships. Via several posts, I am making my case that men need deeper, more authentic friends because 57% of men report feeling lonely, and 15% claim to have no close friends at all; numbers that are significantly higher since 1990. In this post, I explain how the virtual world pulls males from the real world. This retreat keeps boys and men from developing the skills to become competent, successful, and loving adults who succeed in work, love, and marriage.
Our Time with Friends is Dropping
Previous posts in the series included an interesting video on The Decline of Friendship. I also wrote about how The Life-Stages of Friendships impact how we make and keep friends changes as we get older.
More recently, there are other factors that impact friendships. I explained in No Time for Friends, how smartphones and social media have caused a dramatic decline in the average daily time we spend face-to-face with friends. In Male Disengagement from the Real World, I explain that young males tend to submerse themselves more in the virtual world more than girls.
However, statistics show that males are failing more than most people want to admit.
Males are Retreating from the Real World
While the focus for several decades has been on improving opportunities for girls and women (for very valid reasons!), the lives of many boys and men have remained the same or worsened. Economic and social changes have caused many males to lose ground in the classroom, the workplace, and family. Yet, arguments abound about the politics of men and masculinity. Even our post-modern culture has tried to erase “male” from the public discourse. Nonetheless, we have seen a dramatic rise in the “deaths of despair” among men due to suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, and real-wage decline. For example, while men make up slightly less than 50% of the U.S. population, they now account for nearly 80% of all suicides.
But there is hope. Several authors have presented research we need an equal concern for boys and men. This includes Jonathan Haidt, author of The Anxious Generation; Richard Reeves, author Of Boys and Men; Drs. Warren Farrell and John Gray, authors of The Boy Crisis; and the recent book Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Healthy Male Development by Michael Gurian and Sean Kullman. They all present valid reasons why parents, schools, and communities and suggestions to raise, educate, and nurture boys and males.
They give valid reasons why we need better male friendships. Another is how much time boys and men spend in the virtual world.
The Virtual World Welcomes Males
According to experts, the story for boys and young men begins in the 1970s. As the focus on females increased, males slowly were pushed out of the real world. The arrival of home computers and video games slowly pulled them into the virtual world with less risk.
This push-pull dynamic got stronger after the arrival of the internet in the 1990s. The last 2000s supercharged it with mind-blowing multi-player games via high-speed internet. Then in the early 2010s, they had 24/7 unlimited access via smartphones. Many males were lured into an ever more appealing virtual world. Now, their desires for adventure, sex, and power can be satisfied via online video games, pornography, Artificial Intelligence (AI), and discussion groups.
Where Men Pull Away
While the virtual world offers entertainment, overuse can negatively impact well-being and daily life. Here are some areas that men tend to hide in their virtual world.
Porn Use: Pornography made it easy to gain sexual satisfaction without having to confront the uncertainty of the dating scene. There is also less risk of rejection. Technology can now create increasingly compelling, attractive, and customizable AI girlfriends making it even more immersive and addictive. Studies show pornography use leads to frequent masturbation, lower sperm count, and drops in testosterone. The prediction is males will become even less likely to pursue sex, love, intimacy, and marriage.
Video Gaming: Video games are more complicated. Some benefits of playing games include increased cognition, improved memory, decreased depression, and better cooperation. The problem with video games is when boys play too much. Doing so often means less sleep, exercise, or socializing. With multiplayer games, you simply put on your headphones or VR headsets, grab your controller, and get incredibly immersed. Now, you have to be alone in your room to enjoy them.
Online Discussion Groups: Platforms such as 4Chan and Redditt can also lure males into adopting radical political ideas and identities. One trend is a severe social withdrawal called Hikikomori, in which Japanese men refuse to leave their rooms and just sit in their rooms all day isolating themselves from society and family. Another is called NEET, an acronym in the UK for “Not in Education, Employment, or Training” for someone who is unemployed and not receiving an education or vocational training. These are mostly males who have checked out of the real world.
The Negative Effects on Men
Male mental health can also suffer as excessive gaming may contribute to addiction, social isolation, and heightened aggression. The hyper-realistic graphics and AI-driven interactions can blur reality, affecting emotional responses and decision-making.
Prolonged exposure to VR headsets, gaming consoles, and high-performance PCs can lead to physical issues like eye strain, poor posture, and sleep disturbances. Additionally, the dopamine-driven reward systems in many games can lead to decreased motivation for real-life goals.
Back From The Future World
The virtual world does have some benefits. But every year, it will pull harder and harder on boys, urging them to abandon the real world. The price we all pay is a high one because it is ruining our mental health. It also prevents boys from learning how to manage risk, which is inherently a valuable masculine characteristic. So we need to make the real world more helpful and appealing to boys and men.
As humans, we still need to maintain certain requirements in childhood, such as more outdoor free play, face-to-face interaction, and learning eye contact. We still need face-to-face contact with real friends who help us learn interpersonal skills, humor, and harmony. Each can help males function properly and create a better real world.
My next post will describe how men in particular lose their friends as I continue to present my case for better male friendships.
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[Feature Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash]
