As I continue making my case for 2025 as The Year for Better Male Friendships, let me state again that I believe the real problem is not the number of friendships but the quality of those friendships. In this next post, I describe the basic type of friendships many men have these days, and provide a teaser about the best type of friendship he needs: the GodBuddy friendship that I will describe in the next post.
My Case (So Far) for Better Male Friends
So far in this series, I’ve written about why experts claim there is an epidemic of loneliness in the U.S. and a Decline of Friendship. I also wrote that many people feel they have No Time for Friends since we spend so much time on our smartphones and social media. Unfortunately, this has also led to Male Disengagement from the Real World because The Effect of the Virtual World on Boys and Men is worse than it is for girls and women. While these are all valid concerns, I continue to believe that men don’t need more friends. They need higher-quality friendships
To begin my case, I began providing excerpts from my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships.
These included The Life-Stages of Friendships and how Men Do Friendships Differently Than Women. I then described the reasons Why Men Lose Friends and The Barriers to Male Friendship, including why Masks Hinder Male Friendship. A subsequent post suggested that our natural male traits could make it even harder to make and keep friends, so Don’t Be “That Guy”.
I then revealed My Work-Life “UN-balance” Story, which began my exploration into better male friendships. Fortunately, I found friendships with other men who supported and encouraged me through my struggles. This included one of my deepest friendships, whom I honored again in a post, Remembering Chris Davolos on the anniversary of his untimely passing.
Male Friendships Today
As I continued my case, my post How Many Friends Can You Really Have?, showed research by Dr. Robin Dunbar that states humans are capable of maintaining stable social relationships with as many as 150 people. Often referred to as “Dunbar’s Number”, this number seems reasonable. But even Dr. Dunbar suggests we can only maintain “up to five close friendships.”
Numerous studies show that friendships are so important to human flourishing. In his book, The Meaning of Friendship, Dr. Mark Vernon says, “…even one very good friend can improve your life in profound ways.”
Unfortunately, recent data shows many people have very few friends. The Survey Center on American Life reports that nearly 20% of Americans have ‘Zero Friends’.
We Have Surface-level Friendships…
Today, most friendships among men are superficial connections. These friendships often develop around surface-level interests like watching sports, online gaming, or occasional social events. They occur in the neighborhood or at work.
Most male friendships lack depth and meaningful engagement. Our conversations tend to stay within safe topics without delving into personal issues or deeper emotional support. These relationships prioritize convenience and immediate gratification over long-term trust and mutual growth. As a result, friendships may feel transactional or fleeting. They lack emotional intimacy and avoid any discussions about feelings, struggles, or aspirations. They are missing the resiliency to foster deeper bonds. Over time, there is a gradual decay of importance due to the busyness of adulthood. Friendships become less of a priority.
Over the years, I have experienced many levels of friendship with other men. Several developed at work, through my church, and in my neighborhood. We’d spend time together in casual conversation, doing recreation together, or just hanging out. It started by finding something in common or that we had some of the same interests or values. These became good friends. But these were not deep friendships.
But Need Deeper Friendships
In my opinion, men need deeper, more authentic friends, especially where they struggle or became isolated. We need close friendships with other men who are willing to go deeper and connect on a soul level.
Author Jonathan Holmes distinguishes between basic friendship and biblical friendship. In his book, The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship, Holmes writes, “…friendship flourishes best when we seek to be and embody the type of friend we see in God himself.”
Personally, I believe that everyone can benefit from friendship that embodies God’s love through His Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus was the perfect model for friendship. He had a close group of good friends in the disciples. But also has His “inner circle” of Peter, James, and John whom he loved, taught, and sharpened into better men.
The Type of Friendship that “Sharpens”
One of my favorite Bible verses is “As iron sharpens iron, one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17) because it epitomizes the deeper, more authentic GodBuddy friendship and how men make each other better.
Like raw and impure iron ore that gets heated and refined into a hardened metal sword, deeper friendships allow for a non-judgmental but often-needed critique of your flaws. It provides friction and heat that break off our weaknesses and refine our character. It enables us to share experiences, wisdom, and best practices about life. This entire process of “sharpening” helps make men into better men.
Men need friends who will listen, get know each other, and make the time for meaningful discussions about life’s struggles. We need friends who will encourage and pray for us when we are down or need support. We need friends who will love each us (despite our flaws). Just like God loved us when He sent His Son to die on the cross.
Jesus can help make us better, too. All we need to do is learn how to follow Him.
My next post will describe the specific principles of a GodBuddy friendship.
