Now that I have written several posts for this series about 2025 being The Year for Better Male Friendships, I feel it’s time to give you the backstory about how I came to start this blog and my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships. This post describes my struggle with workaholism that teetered toward depression and how I discovered the need for deeper, more authentic friendships that I call GodBuddies. Over time, my closest friends helped me reorder my priorities and better understand my responsibilities as a husband, father, and man. It’s also why I believe every man needs a “band of brothers” who help them become a better man.
Struggling with Workaholism
My need for closer friendships started in my mid-30s as I felt the pressure of a career change and the responsibilities of a growing family. I was in the early stages of my sales career with the leading company in the industry after working for several smaller competitors. After demonstrating early success, my manager asked me to handle one of the largest accounts in our region. During my first few years with the company, he asked me to manage this account not once, not twice, but now for a third time.
Usually, the third time means you shouldn’t say, “NO.” So I didn’t!
My struggles with work-life balance began with the need to learn all about this large account’s business with our company. In addition to maintaining and growing my existing book of accounts, I needed to learn all about this new account. I needed to find out what we did for them, their current personnel, and future business needs. To manage through this new responsibility, I was putting in many hours during the work week plus several over the weekend just to keep up.
At first, the workload was manageable. But this account was also up for a major contract renewal, which required over a year of preparation that included conference calls with senior management to review the account’s financial performance, identify new equipment needs, negotiate prices both internally and externally, and find new services to sell. I was now working even more hours, including several Sundays each month.
At the time, I had three young kids at home and a wife who also worked full-time. Needless to say, life was busy.
The Stress Meant a Visit to My Doctor
Mentally exhausted after work, I carried the stress back home to my family. By the end of the day, I wasn’t able to shut down my mind, which led to a lack of sleep. The excessive stress and sleep deprivation made me irritable to my wife and kids, grouchy most of the time, and unable to concentrate. I began to overeat and would drink a bit too much to ease my anxiety. The stress from work and home responsibilities was not good for my family nor was it good for my health.
The overload and lack of sleep led to a visit to my doctor, who became concerned about the possibility of slipping into depression. My doctor prescribed some short-term medication to get my sleep patterns back in order, which helped the immediate symptoms. But it did not fix the root cause: I had wrong priorities.
The doctor’s visit was a real wake-up call for me. This was not where I wanted to be at this stage of life.
Fortunately, my wife strongly suggested I join our church’s men’s group to get my mind on something other than work. Deep down, she probably knew there were other guys with the same struggle. Most men do at some point in their lives.
Engaging with the Men’s Group
At our church, a group of men met early on Friday mornings for fellowship and Bible study. I thought that time and day were doable since I could still get to work on time and still stay late if needed. I could do this. Or so I thought!
The group included many older guys who were in the group for a while. As an early 30-something, I quickly realized these men had plenty of wisdom to share. The group started each meeting with a check-in time before we discussed the weekly Scripture lesson. I began to realize that other men struggled with work-life balance, along with other issues like anger, pornography, and alcohol. They were open and vulnerable about their challenges.
One of the men I greatly admire from the men’s group was our senior pastor, who talked openly about his own struggles with work-life balance. He was about 10 years older than me and later became a great help as he shared his experiences about the difficult years when his children were teenagers.
The fact that this godly man showed openness and honesty set the tone for our entire group and the importance of becoming honest and vulnerable with each other.
How Many Friends Do You Need?
Over the next several months in the group, I met several guys I had seen at church but did not know well. I saw qualities in these men that I admired. But with limited time due to work and family responsibilities, how could I get to know all of them? And who would want to get involved with my mess?
My next post describes the number of friends a man could have and still be effective in his responsibilities.
[Feature Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash]
