After writing several posts supporting Men’s Health Month (“Movember”), I want to address another issue that is critical to everyone’s health: Gossip.
As I continue this theme for the rest of the year that I call “One Man’s Voice… in the Noise”, I was shocked by a recent article that suggested men gossip more than women. Are you surprised by that? I was, so I had to dig deeper to see if it’s true. More importantly, I wanted to know what I can do to avoid gossip, even if the findings were true.
First, let me define gossip and its effects.
About Gossip
Gossip is a form of casual conversation within a group about other people’s private lives. It spreads information that is often sensationalized, exaggerated, or not based on confirmed facts. While sometimes seen as a bonding tool, the information exchange is often at the expense of accuracy or the subject’s privacy.
Gossip negatively affects mental health by causing mistrust, anxiety, depression, shame, and damaged relationships. It may create a cycle of negativity, fuel a person’s low self-worth by seeking validation, and lead to a tainted reputation and social isolation. Gossip is harmful and hurtful, especially when untrue or about personal matters. It damages trust and emotional well-being for both the subject and the gossiper.
Do Men Really Gossip More Than Women?
“Genderally-speaking”(a term I like to use about the differences between men and women), gossip was assumed to be a female character trait. In movies, you’re likely to see ladies or girls having secretive chit-chats with one another. You’ll rarely see a depiction of guys doing the same thing in the media.
However, according to the global research company, OnePoll, men gossip for approximately 76 minutes a day, compared to 52 minutes among women. The study also found that men like to gossip about the workplace, while women prefer to talk about the outside world.
Men often justify these types of conversations, suggesting they are “venting,” having “deep conversations,” or “breaking it down like analysts.” We talk about who is next in line for a promotion, office politics, and salary hikes. We also speak about our drunken friends, old school buddies, and female colleagues.
Women, on the other hand, talked about personal relationship problems, their own and the problems of others. They also talk about each other’s physical appearances, fashion, relationships, popular TV soaps, and children.
Now, I know other studies will contradict this by showing women use an average of 20,000 words a day, compared to a mere 7,000 that men utter. Others will show women meet face-to-face with friends more than men, which fosters deeper conversations.
But the point is should we be gossiping about others?
Is It Gossip or Not?
I came across another article that describes a great filter called the “Three Sieves” to use when talking about other people’s situations.
- The Sieve of Truth: Is the information true? Has it been verified, or is it just a rumor?
- The Sieve of Goodness: Is what you’re going to say good or positive, or is it negative and harmful?
- The Sieve of Utility: Is the information useful for the person you’re speaking to? Is it necessary for them to know?
Some attribute the concept to Socrates, while others say missionaries like Amy Carmichael, who popularized it with a similar version, “The Threefold Test,” written in the 1930s. Carmichael’s test asks, “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?”
Similar concepts emphasize the importance of speaking the truth and speaking it kindly.
The Indian Manusmriti, discourages gossip by promoting truthful, pleasant, and non-harmful speech, summarized in the verse: “Say what is true, say what is pleasant, but do not say what is true if it is not pleasant, nor what is pleasant if it is false”
Here’s another filter, more specifically to help you decide how to accept and use shared information:
- “Does it have to be said?”
- “Does it have to be said by me?”
- “Does it have to be said by me right now?”
In every case, gossip is a destructive act and a failure of self-control. It also leads to negative actions like finding faults in others, which can have huge consequences.
Can Gossip Be Good for You?
Funny enough, the same OnePoll study reveals that 31% of men report feeling happier when sharing their situations with others. The results show that the reason men gossip much more than women is that it makes them feel included. Nearly 58% of men surveyed said they felt like “part of the gang” when they gossiped.
Another study done by Western Canadian University found that gossip had a more positive impact on male friendships but damaged female friendships more. Maybe guys have thicker skin?
That said, I do not believe gossip is good in any form. I am too often guilty of this habit, and need to work at it constantly.
Gossip is Not Biblical
Solomon, the wisest of all kings to ever live, warned us that a dishonest person creates conflict, and a whisperer divides close friends.
“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.” (Proverbs 16:28, NIV)
This verse suggests that a perverse man or “slanderer” spreads strife through their malicious talk, which can tear apart even the most intimate relationships.
As Pope Francis (1936-2025) once said: “Gossip is a bad thing. Initially, it may seem enjoyable and fun, but ultimately, it fills our hearts with bitterness and poisons us.”
Avoid Gossip at All Costs
Regardless of who developed the concept, the three sieves of truth, kindness, and utility are powerful principles that remind us to be mindful of our words.
So, in this age where information spreads rapidly, it only takes a moment to filter your thoughts through these principles. Remember, words are powerful, whether spoken or written on social media. Be careful to avoid gossip and spreading false information, especially to your family and your closest friends.
[Feature Image created by ChaptGPT]
