My prior posts in this series has set you on the path toward deeper, more authentic connections with other men. Now, it’s time to take an important step with your small group of men: agreeing to confidentiality. In this next post, I explain why your group needs to agree to confidentiality. Having a strict code about keeping what is shared during your discussions within your group is critical to building trust. I also provide a sample covenant to review –and possibly even sign as a group. This solid commitment to maintain confidentiality (with one exception described below) will help the group support and encourage each other in ways that help us become better men.
About The Journey
This series with New Language for Male Friendship includes The Male Friendship Creed, which was my core statement about the characteristics of better male friends. I wrote my Manifesto Against Male Isolation, since too many guys are lonely and retreating into their proverbial “man cave,” which contributes to why too many boys and young males struggle in education, at the workplace, and with their families.
I then shouted A Call to Action to leave the darkness of passivity, irresponsibility, and risk avoidance and begin making to deeper, authentic friendships. In Starting Your Journey to Better Friendships, I described the topics you will encounter along the way. I also provided some tools for Finding Guys to Join You on the Journey, since many guys struggle to make new friends. I then described The Map for Your Journey to Male Friendship about how to use the upcoming posts in the series with a group of guys.
OK, let’s learn more about the need for confidentiality in your group.
First, What Your Group IS and is NOT
Now that you have used the prior posts in the series to recruit 4 or 5 guys for your group and agreed to meet for 60–75 minutes throughout this journey, it’s time to take an important step.
As I mentioned in my last post, your presence, courage, and consistency are required for the journey. It is not intended to diagnose you, fix you, or turn you into someone else. Nor are you expected to have it all together. Your group is not a debate forum, an occasional drop-in gathering, or a place to impress or remain quiet. You must show up, speak honestly, and stay engaged the entire way.
Next, Why You Need Confidentiality
Speaking with honesty with men is an important step to becoming a better man. But it also requires maintaining confidentiality. As your group spends more time together, it will become easier to talk about the issues that all men face. Your conversations may start about your frustrations at work, problems with a neighbor, or difficulties with your spouse or children. And as your friendship deepens, some of you will become even more honest. You may share something a little bit more personal. Something “below the surface.” Something you need to keep confidential.
In a post I wrote years ago, The Masks We Hide Behind, I stated that most men avoid showing their weaknesses and discussing their personal struggles. Occasionally, they will open up about a drinking problem, anger, or a sexual temptation, which often leads to someone else revealing their struggle with the same issue. This act shows you and your friend have begun to Develop Trust and Establish Confidentiality. You are creating a greater level of honesty about the problems men share, such as a struggle with lust, pornography, or an addiction. This is when men need to trust each other with their secrets.
However, trust doesn’t always guarantee confidentiality. You need to agree to abide by a code of confidentiality. Think of this similarly to the “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” mantra.
The Code of Confidentiality
Confidentiality is an important step in all friendships. Once someone shares something painful or embarrassing, they may ask that you keep it within the confines of your relationship. This is the time your group must acknowledge the request and mutually agree to keep this secret.
I believe that once a group of men agrees to maintain confidentiality, it becomes the time they begin Addressing the “Wounds” that keep us from becoming mature and responsible men.
Here is an example of a covenant that helps solidify your mutual commitment to keep discussions that occur within your group strictly confidential… with one exception (see more below).
Although this is not required, I suggest that your group review these ground rules and possibly even sign this Covenant to establish trust and agree to confidentiality. You can download an example below.
Brotherhood Covenant
I commit to the following for the duration of this journey:
I WILL SHOW UP – I commit to being present—physically and mentally—to the best of my ability. I understand that consistency builds trust.
I WILL SPEAK HONESTLY – I choose authenticity over performance. I will speak truthfully about my life, my struggles, and my growth—without pretending or posturing.
I WILL LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING – I will listen to understand, not to solve. I will offer presence before advice and respect each man’s journey.
I WILL PROTECT CONFIDENTIALITY -What is shared in this group stays in this group, unless someone is in danger. Trust is the foundation of brotherhood.
I WILL ACCEPT ACCOUNTABILITY – I give this group permission to challenge me with respect and care. Accountability is an act of commitment, not control.
I WILL STAY ENGAGED -When things get uncomfortable, I will resist retreating into silence, distraction, or withdrawal. Growth requires engagement.
I COMMIT TO THE JOURNEY – I understand that brotherhood is built over time. I choose to walk this path with these men for the next 12 weeks.
*** Download an example of a signable Brotherhood Covenant here ***
Strict Confidentiality, except…
Now I must insert a very important qualifier. There is only one reason to break confidentiality.
If you believe the safety of your friend, his family, or anyone else is in jeopardy, YOU MUST GET HELP! Go to a pastor, or even the police, if there is any concern whatsoever about the threat of your friend harming themselves or they might harm others. If you encounter serious mental or health issues that could be harmful to himself or others, seek professional help. These situations require extreme discretion, so you must distinguish between keeping information private and when to share something that could be harmful.
What if the Covenant is Broken?
All friendships encounter obstacles and disappointments. When a relationship gets tested, it can grow stronger if handled well. But if someone’s lack of discretion or breach of confidentiality occurs, it can cause a fracture in your friendship unless handled carefully.
Once you discover that a friend has violated this covenant, you need to reassess your relationship with him and take control of how it goes forward. You may need to limit your communication and contact for a while. You will need to edit how much and what you share. Adjust the expectations for your relationship or set new ones. You may also need to reduce the time you spend together.
To handle the situation properly, talk (don’t text) your friend about what you heard. Its be to do it in-person. Be gentle, yet firm that what they did was not okay. Be especially clear about how you want the friendship to play out. Afterward, determine whether the relationship can continue, depending on the level of breach of your trust by him.
You may also need to weigh the cost of losing the relationship against the benefit of re-establishing trust. The best path might be to move on and end the friendship. Alternatively, you can begin again, but with clear expectations and tighter boundaries until they regain your trust.
Learning to trust again will be tough, but this difficult situation may bring you closer together.
My next post begins the first topic for the journey to better friendships.
Now, read through this covenant and agree to maintain confidentiality with your group.
[Feature Image created with ChatGPT]
