As I continue making my case for The Year for Better Male Friendships, this section covers the traits that turn a good friendship into a deeper, more authentic friendship that every man needs. This next set of traits is a bit more risky and takes some courage. But learning to demonstrate vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency can add the much-needed depth missing from most male friendships today. It also helps them become better men.
I started this portion of my case by describing the Principles of a GodBuddy Friendship. I then explained the differences between the principles and the Traits of a GodBuddy Friendship. The first set, Finding Commonality and Building Chemistry, is found in most good friendships. The second set of traits, Developing Trust and Establishing Confidentiality, develops when men spend time together. This next set comes when they trust enough to be open and honest with each other.
As with the earlier posts, let’s begin by understanding the difference between vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency by separating and defining what each means. Subsequent posts will cover the other traits that help good friends become more godly men, I call GodBuddies.
Vulnerability Defined
The word “vulnerable” is derived from the Latin noun vulnus (“wound”) and the Latin verb vulnerare, meaning “to wound.” Together, these became the Latin adjective vulnerabilis, or “vulnerable” in English during the early 1600s.
Vulnerable originally meant “capable of being physically wounded” or “having the power to wound.” In other words, it means someone or something is open to a literal wounding.
This aspect of friendship requires you to be courageous enough to open yourself up to inspection.
Authenticity Defined
Authenticity means letting go of who you “should be” to show who you are. It means not living according to what you should be in other people’s eyes.
Elle Luna, artist and writer, illustrates this concept this way in her article on Medium, At The Crossroads of Should and Must:
“Should is how others want us to show up in the world — how we’re supposed to think, what we ought to say, what we should or shouldn’t do. It’s the vast array of expectations that others layer upon us. When we choose ‘Should’ the journey is smooth, the risk is small.” – Elle Luna
When men are authentic with each other, they remove their proverbial masks and reveal their true selves instead of the false selves that cover up who we are inside (see more in posts The Masks We Hide Behind and The Masks That Hinder Better Friendships from prior years).
Transparency Defined
Transparency means living more honestly and revealing yourself more fully to others. It is the condition of clarity through openness, accountability, straightforwardness, and candor. Being more transparent means being seen for all of who you are.
Transparency also requires that you become more secure and honest not to fear being judged. It means letting people know you’re not perfect and that you have made mistakes, but are willing to work to improve or eliminate your flaws.
Vulnerability + Authenticity + Transparency = Relational Depth
Why is it so hard for men to be open and honest with each other? In my experience, there are personal and cultural reasons why men shy away from vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency. One reason is that most men view even the slightest appearance of showing weakness as being “unmanly” or that they are not “good enough.”
Actor and director Justin Baldoni’s TED Talk, “Why I’m Done Trying to be ‘Man Enough,” challenges the traditional notions of “manliness.” Baldoni believes the media has heavily shaped the meaning of being a man. He points out that the idea of a “real man” starts on the playground, and cuts to our core since it reveals a question that haunts all men: “Am I enough?”
When men spend time together, they learn to trust each other. Developing trust usually leads to one man sharing something a little more about his personal life. In effect, he has become more vulnerable by being open and honest. He is revealing his true, authentic self by being transparent about his struggles. He no longer feels the need to hide behind a mask and is seen for who he is, not who he wants others to believe he is.
I believe the traits of vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency allow men to explore this question of “being enough” together. It also helps them begin to heal from any wounds of their past that may still affect who they are today.
Biblical Support
As with any of these traits, the Bible provides us guidance on becoming more vulnerable, authentic, and transparent. This verse in Proverbs encourages us to be open and honest about our weaknesses and struggles:
Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)
GodBuddies Learn to be Open and Honest
Guys, it takes courage to let others see inside you and learn about your past and your current struggles. I believe being vulnerable, authentic, and transparent with others you trust is worth the risk. If you continue to hide behind your mask and never reveal yourself, the shame and discomfort will grow. If left unattended, it will only worsen and will limit your opportunities for real connection. It will also sabotage your ability to get closer to friends and family.
Men who surround themselves with friends who model these traits become GodBuddies. These are men who understand that Jesus knows and sees everything about them. But they also know that Jesus loves them and forgives them despite their weakness and failures. They also know these traits also help them become the men that God designed them to be.
Next Up: My next post in the next important trait: empathetic listening.
[Feature Photo by Alessio Billeci on Unsplash]
Editor’s note: As of the date of this post, Justin Baldoni and co-star, Blake Lively are in a legal battle over alleged sexual harassment and other misconduct on the set of their movie, “It Ends With Us”. I have not followed the suit closely, but originally referenced Baldoni’s TED Talk in my book since I felt it appropriately challenged the traditional notions of today’s “manliness.” The trial is scheduled for March 2026. While Baldoni’s subsequent 8-episode YouTube show, Man Enough, and 2021 book, Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity, show how men can be open and honest with each other, I will be very disappointed if the trial proves any actions that contradict his positions in the Talk, show, and book.
