As I begin to conclude this series about Better Male Friendships that started in January, I need to provide a word of caution of male-female friendships. Throughout earlier posts, I’ve made my case for the type of friendship that every man needs; the deeper, authentic kind of brotherhood that I call a GodBuddy. That said, I also believe that men need women in their lives: as wives, siblings, friends, and co-workers, since they can help us become better men. But this poses a couple of big questions:
- Can a man have a close relationship with a woman, especially if they are “just” friends?
- Should your wife (or any woman, if you are single) become your “best” friend?
My next few posts will provide some guidance on these questions.
Male-Female Friendships Must Be Different
Most people agree that relationships are complicated. The reality is that friendships with the opposite sex must be different, especially once you are married.
As I wrote in a post from a few years ago, there are significant Differences Between Male & Female Friendships. Relationship counselor, Dr. John Gray famously described in his best-selling book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus the psychological differences that make it seem like we are from different planets. Women often bond through emotional self-disclosure and support, while men’s friendships are typically forged through primal needs of survival and procreation.
Our brains are just wired differently. And therein lies the risk.
The Purposes of Male Friendship
Over the years, I have read a lot about what it means to be a man and especially about male friendships. It may seem obvious that there are numerous differences and many comparisons.
Research from Dr. Robin Dunbar, an Oxford psychologist shows friendships between young girls and young boys start at an early age and get more defined as they get older. Another comparison from Pyschcentral, a website about mental health and well-being, compares the differences between male and female adult friendships. Another site provides differences from a woman’s perspective.
Here is my summation of those findings and my experience:
- Men Like to Hang in Groups – The more the merrier, while women typically prefer to go out with one good friend.
- Men Do Things Together – We are more likely to bond by engaging in shared (side-to-side) activities, such as sports, while women tend to bond through (face-to-face) interactions such as disclosing secrets, talking, and spending time together.
- What Can You Do For Me? Men typically do not question the motives since our friendships are more transactional or informational.
- No Pressure – Men tend to keep friendship on a surface level. We do not feel the same pressure to disclose personal information in order to maintain friendships as women.
- Male Friendships Lack Intimacy – Not sexual intimacy but emotional openness. Male friendships tend to be more casual so our friendships are less fragile than female friendships which are more personal.
- We May Share Feeling with a Woman Though – Many men will not share their innermost feelings with their close male friends but are more apt to share these feelings with a wife, girlfriend, sister, or other platonic female friends.
- We Get Over it Quicker – Men are more likely to remain friends after an argument or a fight whereas women are not. We will punch each other in the arm and be over it whereas females carry hard feelings on much longer.
- Men Taunt Each Other to Show Respect – Men view humor and making fun of each other as innocent fun and a way to bond. Women are more likely to refrain from taunting and humor out of fear it may hurt their friend’s feelings.
- We Don’t Need to See Each Other Often – Men will consider someone a friend even if they do not stay in constant contact. We can go extended periods of time, months or even years, without having contact. Women assume they have grown apart, the other person is no longer interested in their friendship, or the friendship is over if they do not have regular contact.
Of course, these are “genderalities” so these differences do not apply to all male-male and female-female friendships. But they do provide a general idea of how our friendships differ.
Sex Can Also Get in The Way
As I stated earlier in this post, the male brain is wired differently through primal needs of survival and procreation. This leads to the risk of sexual attraction.
According to Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of The Male Brain, men have a sexual pursuit area in their brains 2.5 times larger than the same area in the female brain. This, combined with a 20- to 25-fold increase in testosterone production during adolescence, fuels a man’s sexual engine greater than the female’s. This instinct is good when courting a marriage partner but bad once you get married since the need for sex and attraction to others remains.
Scientific American wrote an article titled, Men and Women Can’t Be “Just Friends” that suggests we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with truly platonic opposite-sex friendships. However, men view the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is always lurking just around the corner.
Of course, these are “genderalities” but worthy of note.
God Knew Men Needed Help
The Bible reminds us that God indicated man should not be alone, “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’.” (Genesis 2:18). God then creates Eve from Adam’s rib (2:21-22) to form the first couple. He made humanity in His image, creating both male and female uniquely. He blesses them, and instructs them to “be fertile and multiply” (1:27-28).
So, while procreation is in the male DNA, it doesn’t mean sex is the main purpose for relationships. We are also wired for relationships in other ways.
We’ve All Got Gaps
One analogy I like to use for the purpose of relationships comes from the great “theologian”, boxer Rocky Balboa (insert winking laughter emoji!), who describes how Adrian, the sister of his trainer Paulie, completes him from a scene in the 1976 movie, Rocky:
Paulie: [talking about Adrian] You like her?
Rocky: Sure, I like her.
Paulie: What’s the attraction?
Rocky: I dunno… She fills gaps.
Paulie: What’s ‘gaps’?
Rocky: I dunno, she’s got gaps, I got gaps, and together we fill gaps.
Men, understand this. We’ve all got gaps! God created us with “gaps.” These are the sins that reside in all of us and affect our relationships both in marriage and in friendship. So we need help filling in these gaps.
We Need Multiple Kinds of “Best” Friends
Given my belief in the sanctity of marriage, your spouse will certainly help fill in your gaps. Many believe sex is the most holy purpose of marriage. Sex is the most intimate of connections that must be protected from outside influences. It is also an area where males and females often have differences.
For this reason, The Biggest Challenge Men Face is Resisting Temptation. It’s one of the things his closest male friends understand best. They provide accountability and remind us of appropriate behavior, especially with female friends and coworkers.
So this brings us back to two questions that opened this post:
- Can men have relationships with women who are “just” friends?
- Should your wife become your “best” friend?
Stay tuned for my next post that provides some answers.
