As I conclude this 3-part set of posts on Opposite Gender Friendships, I will provide additional guidance on friendships with females, specifically whether your wife should be your “best” friend.
In part 1, I suggested that mixed-gender friendships serve different purposes for men than for women. We have different needs and communication styles that risk sexual attraction. For that reason alone, we must be cautious with any male-female relationships outside of marriage.
In part 2, I gave a brief history of male-female friendships. I also suggested that men need women in their lives as much as women need men. With diverse relationships, men especially learn how to balance our masculine and feminine sides in ways that help us become better men, husbands, fathers, and friends.
In this final post, I wrap this subset up with guidance on your relationship with your wife.
Why Men Need Male Friendships
While making my case this year with this series on Better Male Friendships, I’ve included links about the epidemic of loneliness and decline of friendship, which is especially prevalent among men. I’ve used excerpts from my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships to describe the various stages and characteristics of male friendship. Other posts provided techniques on how to assess your current friendships and ways to develop the type of friendship I believe every man needs: the deeper, more authentic friendship that I call a GodBuddy.
Whether or not you believe in God—or even if your views on faith and religion differ—most people can agree that what we need today are better men, not the immature, disconnected, and irresponsible versions we too often see. Better friendship alone can provide emotional, mental, and physical support, along with enhanced well-being and social connections. But marriage creates a deeper, committed partnership with shared life goals, financial stability, and a unique level of intimacy. Many people believe marriage enhances mere friendship. But can it make you “best” friends?
Friendship in Marriage
In my last post, I shared a brief history of male-female friendships. Many social commentators, sociologists, marriage historians, and cultural critics believe the expectation for a spouse to be your “best friend” is a modern phenomenon that began in the past generation.
However, research shows 60% of the men, when asked who their best friend was, named a married couple, while 63% of the women named another woman as their best friend.
The conclusion is that this ‘I married my best friend’ trend is not healthy for marriage. It suggests most husbands lack strong male friendships. Their spouse becomes the default sounding board for everything. While women are accustomed to sharing details, these men tend to limit discussions that can cause insecurity or discomfort, especially those related to their attraction to other women and problems at work.
Men need an outlet to talk through issues within their marriage, family, and career. They need an inner circle of mature male friends who understand them and whom they trust will not break confidentiality.
Men Just Understand Men
Let’s face it. Many wives don’t quite get why we talk and act the way we do. Guys tend to pick on each other, which – for many men — is a show of respect. We get rowdy. We get loud and like to throw things, shoot things, and blow things up. Sometimes we act like immature kids, laughing our heads off about things she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand our humor. She doesn’t fully appreciate the nature and dynamics of our male friendships. Wives usually don’t understand that men give each other something that they can’t: an outlet to use our masculine traits the way we were designed.
Notice that I’m not saying your wife must share all of the same passions, interests, or even have the same point of view as you and your guy friends. Men who share common interests add a diversity of opinions and solidify their worldview.
But men need the perspective of other men.
This is especially important when we struggle with behaviors like pornography, workaholism, and anger. It’s important for certain things like our manly insecurities, ongoing problems at work, a secret gambling or drug problem. It’s important when there is an attractive new coworker or when you feel you might be sliding close to an emotional affair. Your male friend may be able to “talk you away from the ledge” before you do something stupid that causes permanent damage to you or your marriage.
Sharing Problems for Your Guy Friends
While I never suggest you should keep secrets from your spouse, discussing your struggles with another guy can help. At least initially and not exclusively with another guy. Here is some topics you should discuss with a close male friend or GodBuddy first:
- Problems at work – Certainly, it’s OK to do some initial complaining about your job at home. But spouses typically look to their husbands for a sense of security and protection. Sadly, our jobs and titles define many guys. So when you repeatedly complain about your boss or the job you hate without doing anything about it, you leave her feeling uncertain about the stability or direction of your family.
- Attraction to another woman – God wired men as visual creatures so it’s very likely that we will quickly notice the good-looking, new, female employee or neighbor. She may look even more attractive to us over time. Billy Crystal’s character in the movie “When Harry Met Sally,” famously said, “Men and women can’t be friends … the sex part always gets in the way.” A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology validates this fact. The study estimates that opposite-sex friendships result in an affair as often as 15 percent of the time. Before you teeter toward an emotional or even a physical affair, let your GodBuddy know about the attraction. Ask him to hold you accountable to keep your heart and mind pure. Check out Brady Boyd’s talk about the twelve stages toward an affair for the potential warning signs of an affair. You can also watch the movie, Fatal Attraction, for how affairs can go wrong!
- Money – Generally, men are risk-takers when it comes to investments and financial matters. So you may want to bounce a crazy investment idea or purchase before you present it to your spouse to see if you are making good sense with it. You certainly should do so before spending that money!
Spouses Are Different Than Your Male Friends
Let me be clear: I am not saying you should hide things from your wife. She should be your close friend and involved in all of your big decisions. She brings a different perspective that every man needs to consider.
However, a husband’s best male friend will provide another opinion that helps triangulate multiple inputs and viewpoints. It also adds a level of accountability that helps him avoid temptations and other problems.
For example, many men lean on female co-workers as a sounding board when they have marital or parenting issues. This is one danger area since he may open up some details in which he gives up a “piece of his heart.” Frequent intimate conversations may lead to an “emotional affair” that starts as a comforting hug. But the temptation of something more physical in the future lurks.
So, Can Your Wife be Your Best Friend?
Here is my key point: your wife is not your only best friend. Calling a spouse your best friend may be shorthand for saying that you like her, that you have a shared history, and that you share your lives and dreams. However, calling her your best friend doesn’t do justice to the full meaning of marriage nor does it do justice to the full meaning of friendship.
Let me be even clearer: your wife should absolutely be one of your closest friends. She’s your ally and a confidant. But she should not be your only close friend. Your male friends do not compete with your wife. They complement and support it.
Here is the bottom line: all men must be very careful in friendships with any woman who is not their wife. . We also have different issues and communication styles that females don’t always understand. We are easily tempted and can become emotionally or physically close to women.
For all those reasons, every man also needs a male “best” friend. He needs a deep, authentic friendship with another mature man who will be his independent sounding board. His best male friend needs someone to hold him accountable to keep from doing something that could hurt his relationship with his marriage and family. He should help him become a better man, husband, and father. But when his best male friend is also GodBuddy, he will also help him become a more godly man.
Next Up: Some encouragement for Male Friendships.
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