Hopefully, by now, you realize there is a difference between good friends and the deeper, more authentic friendships that I believe every man needs, which I call a GodBuddy. As I continue to make my case for The Year for Better Male Friendships, I’m using excerpts from my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships, to differentiate between good friends and GodBuddies. This next post covers the traits of patience and kindness, which we need when friends let us down or we encounter difficulty in any relationship. Practicing these traits will show that your friendship is reaching a level of maturity that many males may never achieve.
Traits that Transform Friendships
Throughout this subset of posts, I’ve described several traits of male friendships. Most start by Finding Commonality and Building Chemistry. As we spend more time together, we become acquaintances. As we get to know each other better, we may even begin Developing Trust and Establishing Confidentiality, which can turn the relationship into a friendship. Over time, we may even become good friends. But this is where most friendships plateau.
Several other traits add depth to better friendships for men. These include Empathetic Listening (not just hearing), which creates a safe space for us to show more Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Transparency about our flaws, weaknesses, or transgressions. As we become more open and honest, we need the traits of Non-judgmental Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Unconditional Love, coupled with Confrontation, Confession, and Accountability as needed. These are often the most difficult traits, but develop Loyalty and Dependability, which help create the deepest, most authentic friendships.
Jesus Christ: Our Role Model for Patience and Kindness
The primary goal of a GodBuddy friendship is to help each other become more Christ-like, the Son of God, who demonstrated all of these traits better than anyone who ever lived.
When we examine the life of Jesus, it’s obvious that He was patient with those around Him. Even when the twelve disciples didn’t understand Him, Jesus continued to instruct them. When Peter denied Him three times, Jesus kept Peter among his inner circle. When the disciples tested Jesus’ patience and fell asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane, He was kind in His rebuke of them. Even as the disciples argued over who should sit next to Jesus at the table, He waited patiently for them to realize their pride in that situation.
God, our Creator, has also been patient with mankind throughout our years of disobedience. At any point in history, God could destroy humanity and start over again. But His patience remains despite our continual sins and half-hearted attempts to repent. God wants us to become more like His Son and is willing to wait and be kind while we figure this out.
Let’s explore these traits of patience and kindness further.
Learning Patience is Hard
Most people consider patience to be a passive waiting or a gentle tolerance. However, most of the Greek words used in the New Testament for “patience” are active and robust words that mean “endurance.” Hebrews 12:1-11 reminds us to “run the race” of life with perseverance and endurance throughout all its difficulties. Like running a marathon, you need endurance and perseverance to avoid hitting “the wall” somewhere after the 18th mile of your friendship.
The book of James also encourages perseverance and says to consider it “pure joy” whenever we face trials that test our faith. Generally, our human reactions in any relationship range from annoyance to impatience to downright anger. They say “Patience is a virtue” and a catalyst for personal growth. But it is a trait that is hard to learn and even harder to apply.
Kindness Changes People
Kindness is also a great trait for friendship that is hard to learn. However, being kind to someone is not always the same as being nice to them.
The Greek words “Chrestotes” and “Hesed” in Hebrew are most frequently translated into the English word “kindness.” These words describe the ability to act for the welfare of those testing our patience. For example, imagine that you have to challenge your GodBuddy about some ungodly behavior you see in him. While this confrontation is likely to displease him, you are being kind by helping him become a better man in the long run.
Biblical Support
Here are some verses about patience and kindness:
- Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. (Proverbs 14:29)
- Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2)
- Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. (Proverbs 16:32)
- A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. (Proverbs 15:18)
- To those who by patience in well-doing seek for glory and honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. (Romans 2:7)
- With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love… (Ephesians 4:2)
- Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant. (1 Corinthians 13:4)
Two other Bible stories also teach us about kindness: The Golden Rule calls us to treat others as we want them to treat us (Luke 6:27-31), and The Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:29-37), when a regular member of the community showed kindness by helping a wounded man after religious leaders ignored him.
GodBuddies are Always Patient and Kind
Of course, patience and kindness are helpful in any relationship since God requires us to show these traits to everyone we encounter.
Patience means recognizing that not every fault of your GodBuddy deserves a confrontation or that you need to point out his every single little flaw.
Kindness means you don’t react quickly with anger or bitterness. Give and receive constructive feedback to your GodBuddy with kindness and confront him in private.
The bottom line is that patience and kindness should always come from the position of love because God loved us first and sent His Son as our Savior to die for our sins. This is the ultimate act of patience and kindness covered by an abundance of love.
Next Up: My next post is about Prayer, Support, and Encouragement.
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