As I continue to describe the traits of the type of friendship I believe every man needs, I will show how the next set —Non-judgmental Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Unconditional Love —pairs with the previous set to transform even a good friendship into the deeper, more authentic friendship that I call a GodBuddy.
My Case for Better Friendships So Far
Similar to a lawyer, I’ve been unfolding my case for 2025 as The Year for Better Male Friendships through a series of posts using excerpts from my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships.
I first described how most friendships start, by Finding Commonality and Building Chemistry. This trait creates a relationship that typically remains shallow, which is more of an acquaintance than a friendship.
Occasionally, though, as some acquaintances get to know each other better, they begin Developing Trust and Establishing Confidentiality. This phase may lead to a good friendship as two men spend more time together. However, it may never have the depth needed to reach the type of friendship that helps them both become the best version of a man.
Some Traits Add Depth
The next stage of friendship comes when you begin to go deeper with each other and practice Empathetic Listening (not just hearing). This important skill can help all your relationships, whether it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship, a co-worker, or interacting with your spouse, children, or neighbors. Learning to listen well helps you connect emotionally to provide a safe space for deeper conversation with people.
This step toward a better friendship is hard, especially for most men. As your friendship deepens, you begin to show Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Transparency. This phase enables you to be open and honest about yourselves, possibly revealing your flaws, weaknesses, or transgressions. As your friendship deepens, being honest becomes more natural because you have developed trust and established that your conversations remain confidential. Again, this is a critical element to a deeper friendship.
The next traits add even more depth but require you to not judge and forgive unconditionally.
“Unconditional” Defined
First, let’s define the word “unconditional,” which simply means without conditions, without rules, without expectations. Easy to do, right?
Consider this scenario: Over the last few months, you’ve had conversations with a friend who is having an affair and planning for their new life together, but has not told their wife of almost seven years. Not only is your friend unaware of the hurt awaiting his family, but he has repeatedly put you in a situation where he expects you to lie about his affair. You have pleaded with him to see the errors of his ways and explained the likelihood that this relationship is about lust and not love, and will not last. Your friend rejects your advice and implies that he expects no judgment from you but only your complete acceptance of his new relationship. In a carefully worded email back to you a few days later, he tells you he is stepping back from your friendship unless you approve and collaborate in his deception.
Today, the idea of “unconditional love” has become the go-to defense for people who are challenged or criticized for their moral choices or non-Christian lifestyle. When they’re caught in a sin or a friend reveals one of their failures, their response is often, “Oh, you don’t understand the whole situation,” or “Who are you to judge me, anyway?”
So what should you do?
Traits that Pair Together
As I stated earlier in this post, the traits of Non-judgmental Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Unconditional Love pair well with the previous traits of Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Transparency. Here is how these encourage a safe environment that strengthens the relationship and builds trust to create an even deeper connection.
- Non-Judgmental Acceptance and Vulnerability: Acceptance without judgment makes individuals more likely to be vulnerable. This involves sharing true thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism. Non-judgmental environments help friends overcome shame and guilt, leading to honest self-expression and deeper self-exploration. This vulnerability builds trust as friends reveal their true selves.
- Forgiveness and Authenticity: Forgiveness releases the burden of past hurt, freeing individuals to live more genuinely. Letting go of grudges allows authenticity to emerge. Genuine forgiveness involves acknowledging and moving through uncomfortable feelings, leading to a truer sense of self. Authenticity builds trust as others see integrity, fostering respect.
- Unconditional Love and Transparency: Being loved and accepted without conditions reduces the fear of judgment, making it safer to be open and honest. Unconditional love provides a secure base that’s crucial for transparency in friendships. Transparency builds trust by being open and honest, especially about difficulties. It also helps to rebuild and strengthen trust in relationships.
In combination, these traits create a safe environment where vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency are encouraged, leading to deeper connections and greater well-being.
So how do you apply unconditional love to the aforementioned situation? Not that easy after all, is it?!
Know that God Loves Unconditionally
First, we must understand that the foundation of unconditional love is God’s love. It means nothing we do can make God love us any more or make Him love us any less. His love is unconditional; our performance here on earth will not gain us more of God’s love.
God’s love is also undeserved. He proved that when He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for us on the cross so we would have everlasting life (John 3:16). God loves us despite our continual disobedience, numerous weaknesses, ongoing sins, and ego-centric selfishness. This is the reason Christ cried out from the cross, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34).
So while God’s love is unconditional, it is not without conditions. The condition is He wants us to love Him. The condition is God sent His Son so we are to follow Him.
American pastor and theologian. Tim Keller, co-founder of Redeemer Church in New York City describes God’s unconditional, but conditional love this way:
“Is the covenant between God and his people conditional or unconditional? Yes. Yes. Jesus came and fulfilled the conditions so God could love us unconditionally.”
While God’s unconditional love is very Good News, we should not equate unconditional love with unconditional acceptance. Yes, God loves us unconditionally, but it is a demanding love that requires our obedience to His commandments. His love asks us to become more like Christ. Our responsibility is to love people as much as Jesus loved us.
Back to the scenario about a friend who is having an affair.
In this case, it is certainly acceptable to challenge him to live up to his marital vows. You should also not allow him to put you in an awkward position of lying for him. You may tell him you cannot remain friends while he is having an affair. But you must also continue to love him unconditionally.
GodBuddies Love Unconditionally
Your GodBuddy relationship must include the traits of non-judgmental acceptance and unconditional love. The trick is to learn how to love your GodBuddy despite their flaws and mistakes. It’s loving like Jesus loved the prostitutes, moneychangers, and adulterers. Christ confronted the sinners but also showed great mercy by saying, “Go and sin no more.” This charge required them to face the difficult truth about themselves.
We also need God’s grace and forgiveness. But must also work on our sinful nature. Acceptance and unconditional love with your GodBuddy means you support each other in the mutual goal of becoming godly men.
The ups and downs of any relationship may eventually shake your GodBuddy friendship. Just remember that unconditional love is required at all times.
Next Up: My next post is about the difficult trait of Confrontation, Confession, and Accountability.
