In my previous post, The Traits of a GodBuddy Friendship, I defined the type of friendship I believe every man needs. I also listed the specific characteristics of a GodBuddy relationship. As I continue making my case for 2025 as The Year for Better Male Friendships, my next several posts will detail how each trait can move good friends toward this deeper, more authentic type of friendship. Let’s start with where most friendships begin: by finding commonality and building chemistry.
Commonality Defined
Merriam-Webster’s online Dictionary describes Commonality as “possession of a common feature or attribute” or the plural as “possession of common features or attributes”.
For friendships, finding commonality is often found between very similar people with the same interests, such as being fans of a particular sport or team, or sharing a hobby or passion for philapthropy.
Commonality can also exist between completely different personalities. For instance, an extroverted science teacher becomes friends with an introverted researcher who reads voraciously and enjoys sharing his findings on the topic. Another example is two men with a passion for charity work. Although one is a working professional and the other a stay-at-home dad, they volunteer at the food shelter together on the weekends.
Today, many parents come together frequently over a child’s school or sports activities. While this may provide some commonality, it is more of a “convenience of proximity” to a schedule or life stage. Granted, these activities could be a starting point for friendship. However, something more powerful is often needed to create a lasting friendship since those relationships frequently end once the school year or season is over.
The Power of Commonality
Blogger Paul Sanders writes in a post titled “How to Meet New People and Make Friends” that a critical piece of kick-starting a friendship is not just finding one commonality, but rather finding two things in common. In his post, he provides a Friendship Formula that looks like this:
- First Commonality + Second Commonality = Potential Friendship
Sanders suggests that having a second thing in common begins to add depth to a relationship. Another commonality moves acquaintances from “surface-level” discussions to talking about what they do for a living or which church they attend. During this phase of their relationship, they might discover they both went to the same school or that they have a mutual friend
This second point of commonality can be a good next step toward a solid friendship. It may lead to seeking each other out at the next game. You may suggest getting together for a BBQ or to grab a cup of coffee or a beer. The friendship begins to develop as you spend more time together.
The Glue of Chemistry
A single activity or multiple commonalities are a good starting point for a friendship. However, there is something else that binds people together: Chemistry.
Let me provide an example. Epoxy glue is based on chemistry. This type of glue binds broken parts or materials together by a chemical welding process using a resin and a hardener, which binds them together to become stronger over time.
A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows it takes just 30 hours to make a “casual” friend, around 50 hours to make a friend (what I would call a “regular” friend), 140 hours to make a “good” friend, and upwards of 300 hours to make a “best” friend. To put that into perspective, if you see someone for 3 hours every day, you would still need 100 days to become best friends.
This example also applies to connecting men together. Like the right mix of resin and hardener, two broken men can bind together in a friendship with the right chemistry and time to strengthen their relationship.
The GodBuddy Formula
As I wrote in The Principles of a GodBuddy Friendship, better male friendship helps men become better men. Good friendships help “Sharpen” each other, encourage each other, grow together, and learn to do life together. I also suggested there was another principle: the common pursuit of becoming more like Jesus Christ.
After finding something in common and developing chemistry, I believe this third “holy” element strengthens the bond. It also deepens a friendship, which leads to higher standards for manhood. As such, adding this third element creates a GodBuddy version of the Friendship Formula, which looks like this:
- Commonality + Chemistry + Higher Standards = GodBuddy Friendship
While striving to live according to God’s higher standards may seem daunting. But it simply means doing life together with another mature man who shares the common goal of becoming more like Jesus. This common goal strengthens your friendship and makes you better men.
Biblical Support for Doing Life Together
The Bible’s New Testament book of Acts is the story of the growth of the early Christian church based on “Koinonia,” which is the Greek word for “fellowship” or doing life together. Koinonia expresses the unity and commonality of doing life together. They shared possession and activities such as teaching, fellowship, breaking of bread, and prayer. For the early Christians, Koinonia was the difference between death and living well, which Acts chapter 2 this way:
All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. (Acts 2: 44-47)
The early Christians lived together, loved each other, and supported each other. Their Koinonia was more than commonality and chemistry. It was a bond created through a lifestyle of following Jesus.
The GodBuddies Lifestyle
Moving your friendship to the deeper, GodBuddy level leads to making lifestyle changes. It means leaving your old ways behind and beginning the new practice of living according to God’s standards. The Apostle Paul calls this being “like-minded” in your common pursuit of living more like Jesus Christ. For Jesus’ closest friends, the twelve disciples, they were one in spirit and of one mind. It became their new lifestyle.
“Now the God of patience and consolation grants you to be like-minded one toward another according to Christ Jesus.” (Romans 15:5)
My original GodBuddy, Bill Johnson, and I found commonality quickly. We both have only sons. We both enjoy golf and baseball. Bill and I had chemistry that became apparent whenever we met together. But we became glued together as we studied the Bible and served at our church. We were like-minded in our common pursuit of following Jesus. This third element helped both of us become better men.
Next Up: My next post details another important trait of deeper, more authentic friendships: Developing Trust and Maintaining Confidentiality.
