The next trait of the deeper, more authentic friendship is one of the most critical skills anyone, man or woman, can possess. This trait helps all relationships, whether it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship, co-worker, or interacting with your spouse, children, or neighbors. The trait of empathetic listening is more than just hearing what the other person is saying. It means connecting emotionally and providing a safe space for conversation.
As I continue making my case for 2025 as The Year for Better Male Friendships by providing the traits of the type of friendship I believe every man needs, let me ask you a personal question: Are you a good listener or a bad listener? What would your spouse or children say about your listening skills? How about friends or co-workers?
If you are really honest, you are NOT a good listener. Few men are. People usually rate themselves more highly at this skill, but are not as good at listening well as they think. The good news is it’s a skill anyone can learn with conscious effort and practice, and the benefits are well worth the investment.
Now, let me provide more about the trait using another excerpt from my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships.
What is Empathic Listening?
Empathic listening is a communication skill that involves actively trying to understand the feelings and perspective of another person. It requires the listener to connect and give support and encouragement rather than advice or criticism.
As I described in earlier posts, there are many Life-Stages of Friendships that lead to good friendships but several Traits of a GodBuddy Friendship. Most men typically find friendship by Finding Commonality and Building Chemistry first, followed by spending more time together and Developing Trust and Establishing Confidentiality. As a friendship deepens, one of you usually opens up by demonstrating Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Transparency. It’s at this stage that you need to become a good listener to become an even better friend.
So how do you become a good listener?
Profile of a Good Listener
A good listener is someone who is patient, focused, and doesn’t talk too much. He listens without interrupting and puts the needs of the other before his own. He works hard to listen first for understanding, not just to hear words.
A good listener also practices “Be Here Now,” a term coined by Dr. Larry Senn, founder of Senn Delaney, the culture-shaping unit of the executive search firm, Heidrick & Struggles. Although the concept is usually taught in the corporate world, it also applies to our personal interactions. Be Here Now means being 100% attentive and responsive to others’ input during your time together. Be fully present and stay in the moment. Focus. Pay close attention. Don’t multitask. Stop what you are doing and listen. Quiet your busy mind. Give them your complete and undivided attention. Everything else can wait.
Reasons for Poor Listening
Conversely, here is why some people are poor listeners:
- We’re impatient – Impatient people are not able to fully appreciate or remain engaged in the present circumstances to hear their friend out. An impatient person demonstrates that they don’t care about what their friend has to say.
- We interrupt – Bad listeners tend to interrupt others mid-sentence. Their thought or opinion is so pressing that they blurt things out, even before the other person finishes speaking. They’re thinking about what they have to say before they finish. They want to show their own knowledge or offer help before they understand their friend’s circumstances.
- We’re easily distracted – Concentration is hard in today’s fast-paced society and we want the easy way out. Think about your listening abilities during a Sunday morning sermon. Do you zone out? Does your mind wander to other things—work, what you’re doing that afternoon, a conversation with your spouse or a friend that morning? Zoning out makes for bad listening.
Good Listening Shows Empathy
Empathy is an important trait that requires another practice called “active listening.” It requires you to concentrate on and understand what is being said, and only respond with a sincere confirmation, such as: “What I think I heard you say is…” which demonstrates you completely heard the person’s comments.
Many people confuse empathy and sympathy. According to Dictionary.com, the difference between the most commonly used meanings of the two terms is:
- Sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity for the hardships that another person encounters.
- Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of another, which is why actors often talk about it.
Practically speaking, empathy is participating in the other’s experience on a personal level, whereas sympathy is feeling sorry for their circumstances. For example, sympathy without empathy comes when someone that lost a relative receives condolences from many people. However, only those who also experience the loss of a loved one can empathize.
Another example of where there is sympathy but no empathy is when someone files for bankruptcy. Most people who care about that person would feel sympathetic to the situation. However, relatively few people will empathize since only a minority ever go through the experience of filing for bankruptcy themselves. Both empathy and sympathy require good listening.
Biblical Support
It takes hard work, practice and humility to become a better listener. Consider these biblical pictures of a bad listener—the proverbial fool — according to the writer of Proverbs:
“A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Proverbs 18:2)
“Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 29:20)
The fool described in Proverbs finds pleasure in speaking more than they listen. They don’t listen to understand. Their pride or selfishness doesn’t enable them to take time to understand before offering counsel. The fool acts like they have all the answers.
Contrast the fool in the above verses with the advice we get from the apostle James, the brother of Jesus.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19)
James’ encouragement is to practice empathetic listening and not speak too quickly.
Additionally, the apostle Peter, one of the first leaders of the early church, counseled Christians to treat one another with compassion, love, tenderness, and courtesy—the four main qualities of empathy.
“…be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous” (1 Peter 3:8, NKJV)
You become a better listener when you do not interrupt or try to fix things. I know this oh too well. I was- and still am- more like the proverbial fool than not.
GodBuddies Become Great Listeners
Empathetic and active listening is essential to being a good GodBuddy. When your friend is in mourning or despair from a devastating loss or misfortune, you will help ease their burdens by just listening. Become part of their story. Feel it with them and don’t try to fix anything unless they ask for your help.
beaing a good listener also means learning not to say anything when someone is talking. Do not interup. Listen for “the period” (the end of the person’s statement) before talking. Look them in the eyes. Nod your head in agreement. Seek to understand your friend’s point of view. You don’t have to have all the answers. Try not to fix them. Your friend may not even want your opinion. Only after they conclude, say, “I hear you” or “I understand.” Just listen! Active listening also shows respect for the other person.
Next Up: My next post is about another important trait: Non-judgmental Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Unconditional Love.
[Feature Photo by Ben Moreland on Unsplash]
