This subset of posts about the traits of the friendship every man needs continues as I make my case for 2025 as The Year for Better Male Friendships. The next set of traits—confrontation, confession, and accountability —are some of the most difficult ones. But they are also necessary when it’s time to “get real” with a good friend.
Traits that Deepen Friendships
This next excerpt from my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships, continues describing the traits that turn a good friendship into a deeper, more authentic relationship that I call being a GodBuddy.
Previous posts show that many friendships begin by Finding Commonality and Building Chemistry. These acquaintances often become friends as they spend more time together. When men begin Developing Trust and Establishing Confidentiality by getting to know each other better, they may even create a good friendship. However, even good friendships never go deep enough to help each other become better men.
To add depth to their friendship, men need to practice Empathetic Listening (not just hearing). Learning to listen well creates a safe space that leads to Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Transparency. As men become open and honest about themselves and reveal their flaws, weaknesses, or transgressions, they open themselves to inspection and correction. This requires Non-judgmental Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Unconditional Love. These are difficult traits rarely found even in good friendships.
So, what happens when you notice a behavior or moral failure in a friend who is not living in proper manhood?
This is the time when men need to hear the “hard truth” from each other using the 3-step process of confrontation, confession, and accountability.
Can You Handle the Truth?
There is a memorable quote in the 1992 film, A Few Good Men, starring Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson, that comes when military court-martial lawyer Daniel Kaffee (Cruise) exposes the false testimony of Colonel Nathan R. Jessup (Nicholson) surrounding the death of a Marine named Santiago. When pressed by Kaffee to tell the truth, Jessup abruptly yells, “You can’t handle the truth!” which is a common response in the military to deny information deemed too sensitive.
As men become closer friends, one of them may see something that may be too sensitive to hear. These are frequently the “blind spots” every man has that require gentle confrontation, sincere confession, and accountability to help them become a better man.
Let’s break down the three-part process to see how it applies to a GodBuddy level friendship that’s based on becoming more like Jesus Christ.
Confrontation
Whenever good friends see blind spots, especially when they notice something their friend chooses to ignore, they will need to have these difficult conversations, but in a kind, inoffensive manner. From a practical standpoint, men tend to receive difficult feedback when their defenses are not up. Be gentle but firm.
The Bible tells us that sharing hard truths can lead to spiritual maturity. The apostle Paul writes, “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). This command helps us grow in maturity and become more Christ-like.
The hard truth is that every single one of us has blind spots and visible sins that we choose to ignore. Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God”. This verse means no one is exempt. Not me, you, your GodBuddy, your family, co-workers, neighbors. None of us. We are all sinners.
Paul also reminds us to confront with gentleness: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (Galatians 6:1). Gentle, but firm confrontation may hurt initially, but it helps us become better men.
Confession
God often gets to our deepest issues using close friends. Once your GodBuddy gently confronts you, don’t be afraid to “own it” and confess the errors of your way. Confession is embarrassing and may hurt your ego. But it is an important aspect of maturity as a man since confession helps you heal and become a more godly man. James 5:16 tells us, “Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
An important part of sincere confession is repenting of that bad behavior. Repentance means you acknowledge that you have missed the mark with a 180-degree change of direction away from that sinful behavior. Again, Paul tells the early church, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” (Acts 3:19).
Confession without repentance is the same as asking for forgiveness but intending to keep on sinning. Repentance requires a sincere and regretful acknowledgment of your sins, coupled with an honest commitment to change.
Accountability
Oftentimes, confession and repentance alone do not work completely. Paul writes on behalf of all of humanity, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15).
Like Paul, men know what they do is wrong, so they also need the important component of accountability. Accountability can help eradicate the improper behavior and bad habits that prohibit us from becoming more Christ-like. I will admit, there is a bit of guilt built into accountability. But guilt also works!
Accountability starts by giving your GodBuddy permission to ask about your sins and holding you to God’s standards. It means allowing him to ask you frequently how you are doing in your battle against a temptation. It means telling him to be brutally honest with you. This gives him the clearance to point out your blind spots and not pull any punches.
When a GodBuddy gently confronts your sin, you must confess it and repent from it, but must also remain accountable for changing.
Biblical Support
The biblical truth is that all of us are sinners who need to hear the hard truth that God will hold us accountable. Paul writes in Romans 14:12, “So then each of us shall give an account of himself to God.” This is our accountability to God, who will judge us when He makes the world right again.
Scripture also tells us that believers are accountable to one another. Proverbs 27:17 says we are to sharpen one another. Galatians 6:1-2 says we are to restore anyone caught in a transgression with a spirit of gentleness. Matthew 18:15-17 instructs us that we may need to take one or two others along as witnesses. James 5:16 says confessing our sins to one another helps us heal.
Accountability also means encouraging each other to grow in our spiritual maturity. Hebrews 10:24 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Additionally, 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says to, “…encourage one another and build each other up…” Jesus reminds us: “The truth will set you free.” (John 8:32).
GodBuddies Can Handle the Truth
The world needs men who are willing to speak the truth in love. It needs men who encourage each other to live to a higher standard of manhood. It needs more men willing to become like Jesus Christ.
Jesus held his disciples accountable through a combination of teaching, correction, and modeling the right way to live. He invested heavily in their training and directly addresses their flaws and mistakes with both encouragement and rebuke. He didn’t shy away from pointing out their pride, selfishness, and lack of faith. He also encouraged the disciples to hold each other accountable, promoting a culture of openness and honesty within the group.
So give your GodBuddy permission to speak the truth in love whenever he feels you need it. GodBuddies don’t just tell each other what they want to hear — they gently confront each other, require sincere confession, and remain honestly accountable to changing for the better. To become more godly men. To become more like Christ.
Next Up: My next post is about Loyalty and Dependability.
[Feature Photo by Kato Blackmore 🇺🇦 on Unsplash]
