In my last post, Many Boys and Men are Struggling, I explained how many males in America are falling behind girls and women educationally, economically, and socially. Sadly though, males lead in the “deaths of despair” from suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, and real-wage decline. Despite what many in the media and culture want us to believe, too many males of all ages are failing. In this post, I suggest ways to change the narrative about who to blame and how to reverse the negative trends affecting boys and men. As I’ve stated throughout these recent posts, equal concern for men is not “Zero-Sum” thinking. We must start by changing the narrative.
Not All Men are ”Toxic”
Some suggest that being a man today is bad and that all masculinity is “toxic.” They attribute this viewpoint to societal pressures, cultural norms, traditional patriarchy, or the feminist movement. Many blame the educational system and the government policies that address and help the needs and rights of girls and women but exclude boys and men in their efforts. Others feel the “Manfluencers” are raising our sons and promoting extreme viewpoints to gain political votes and “likes” on social media.
In my opinion, one reason so many lag is the guys themselves. We have created a generation of males who remain passive and avoid their responsibility as adults. They refuse to move from being “consumers” as youngsters in a family and should become “contributors” as productive members of society as young adults. These immature males never learned how to use their inherent — some would say God-given, masculine traits properly but continue to exhibit “boyish” behavior such as misogyny and extreme patriarchy that uses, oppresses, and exploits women and children. They isolate themselves to hide their problems and avoid meaningful relationships. They think they are grown up but still act like “45-year-old frat boys” rather than mature adult men.
There are too many to blame, but so few solutions. We need to change how the world views men, manhood, and masculinity.
Where Do We Start?
Frederick Douglass, American social reformer, abolitionist, orator, writer, statesman, and leader of the movement for African-American civil rights during the 19th century once said: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
While we all have a responsibility to teach our young children how to become adults, men in particular can help by becoming better men first. We do not need to point out what is wrong with men by highlighting individuals who exhibit these immature behaviors. We need to reduce the negativity toward manhood and masculinity; not exacerbate it.
Improvement begins by fixing broken men and ineffective programs that don’t address the unique challenges of men. We can focus on eliminating harmful influences and improving the standards for becoming a man.
Possible Solutions
To begin to make meaningful changes, consider these key points and suggestions that highlight the positive aspects of being a man:
- Teach and mentor young boys: Attributing all male behavior and masculinity as bad unfairly generalizes and ignores the fact that individuals of any gender can engage in harmful actions. But we do need better examples of male behavior. Solution: Many believe boys learn best from male teachers. I’m not suggesting all-male and all-female schools, though others do. We can also find ways to increase the number of men who take up teaching as a profession.
- Better male examples: There are too many celebrities, athletes, and males in general who act “unmanly.” Solution: Let’s highlight the “good men” who far outweigh those who are not. Help young males know the difference between Being Good at Being a Man and Just Being a Good Man. We must also create a better path to becoming a mature adult (also see The Complete Roadmap to Better Manhood).
- Realistic societal expectations: Toxic behaviors are often seen as a product of societal expectations, which influence men to suppress emotions, prioritize aggression, and conform to a narrow definition of manhood. Solution: Let’s raise awareness about the harmful effects of a narrow definition of masculinity. Encourage other men to challenge these norms. Teach the Benefits of Becoming a Balanced Man: emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, socially, and spiritually.
- Systemic change: Addressing the root causes requires examining broader societal structures and policies that challenge harmful gender norms, rather than the behavior of a small group of immature men. Solution: Support other men by encouraging them to seek support for their health, education, and careers. Vote for and support similar policies and programs in schools as we have for the advancement of girls and women. Encourage mentorship programs in the workplace, sports, churches, and neighborhoods. Confront and challenge the extreme examples of manhood and the “frat boy” mentality.
We Also Need Better Friendships
I believe men learn best from other men. Since males are more susceptible to Isolation and Temptations during Crisis, we must address the problem of male isolation. Challenge your male friends to get out of their proverbial “man cave” and make new friends.
Men need to surround themselves with other men who live to a higher standard of manhood. We need friends with older, more experienced men willing to share their failures and wisdom. They can help us learn to overcome our struggles. We need same-age friends with whom we can do life together. These are friends who will cheer for each other, celebrate their accomplishments, and provide encouragement when any of you are down. They also hold each other accountable to higher standards, while providing support and prayer whenever needed. We also need to become mentors to boys and young men on the proper use of their masculinity.
I believe these initiatives can help create better men, who become better husbands and fathers who train their children to become better adults.
What’s Next: Addressing Fatherlessness
My next post is about reversing these alarming trends for boys and men by addressing the crisis of fatherlessness.
My book Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships provides practical ways to develop closer, more genuine relationships.
Written as part guidebook, part memoir, and part confessional, it comes out of my struggle with workaholism that teetered on depression. It led to a concept I call GodBuddies which I believe is the best type of friendship. Regardless of your belief about God, multiple gods, or a higher power, the book can help everyone develop better friendships.
