My last post about Opposite Gender Friendships suggested that male friendships serve a different purpose than female relationships and we need to be extra careful due to the risk of sexual attraction. In this follow-up post and the next, I provide guidance on the two questions I posed in the last post: 1) Can men have relationships with women who are “just” friends? and 2) Should your wife become your “best” friend?
But first, more about the importance of male friendships.
Men Need Better Friends
Earlier this year, I started making my case for The Year of Better Male Friendships since there is an epidemic of loneliness due to the decline of friendship, especially among men. I’ve been using excerpts from my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships, to describe the importance and characteristics of male friendship, which supports my theory that every man needs some GodBuddies, which are deeper, more authentic friendships with other men who help him become a more godly man.
Regardless of your beliefs about God or religion, men need friendships that help them become a more mature and responsible husband, father, worker and friend, rather than the immature, disconnected, irresponsible male that still acts like a boy well into adulthood. The world needs better men so that everyone, male, female, adults and children, will benefit.
We Need Women In Our Lives Too!
That said, I also believe that men need strong women in their lives: as wives, siblings, friends, and co-workers. Women are important to men just as men are important to women, for the same but also different reasons.
So, it helps to understand how male-female friendships evolved before I answer these tricky questions in this post and the next.
History of Male-Female Friendships
Prior to the 20th century, friendship was single-sex due to the rigid gender segregation of society, particularly among the middle and upper classes, which dictated that men and women occupied distinct social roles and spaces.
Men were expected to inhabit the public sphere of business, politics, and work. Their friendships were often based on shared pursuits and competition. Relationships with the opposite sex were viewed as an explicit precursor to marriage.
Women were expected to remain the center of the private, domestic sphere of home and family. Female friendships among stay-at-home moms were essential for emotional and social support. Contact with men outside the family was limited, unless they were being courted for marriage.
Several major societal changes in the late 19th and early 20th centuries contributed to the increase in male-female friendships. These include coeducational schools and colleges, and the diversification of urban recreation. Less-chaperoned settings led to the emergence of “dating” and more mixed-gender social circles. The concept of “romantic friendship” flourished during this period as gender roles and social structures shifted. Later, more women entered the workforce, and relationships became more diverse. Marriages also saw significant shifts in roles and expectations.
The impact of these changes presents both opportunities and challenges today for male-female friendships.
The Risk of Mixed-Gender Friendships
Research indicates that mixed-gender friendships include the risks for romantic or sexual attraction, along with differing expectations for the relationship.
Sexual Attraction
Evolutionary psychologists suggest that mixed-gender friendships may serve mating functions, with unconscious motivations driving males toward female friendship for sexual opportunities. This can create discomfort, particularly if the attraction is not mutual. It is especially dangerous when either person is already in a committed relationship.
Men also tend to often overestimate the degree to which their female friends are attracted to them. Men are wired men as visual creatures, so it’s very likely that we quickly notice the good-looking, new, female employee or neighbor. Women universally value a man’s demeanor and manners, confidence, stability, and social interactions when evaluating them for a friendship.
But the risk for sexual attraction exists for both.
A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology validates this fact: opposite-sex friendships result in an affair as often as 15 percent of the time. Another study found that 64% of men and 44% of women reported that their opposite-gender friends became their sexual partners. Regardless of the study, the the risk is notable and always present.
As Billy Crystal’s character in the movie “When Harry Met Sally,” famously said, “Men and women can’t be friends … the sex part always gets in the way.”
Different Expectations
Social norms also influence the expectations about friendships since men and women communicate differently.
In general, women favor emotional depth, verbal sharing, and collaborative connection through frequent interaction. They seek emotional connection and support through the sharing of feelings, insecurities, and personal struggles. They maintain friendships through regular calls, texts, and outings, and have larger social circles. Females use more nonverbal cues like eye contact and nodding to show attentiveness and emotional engagement. They build connections through face-to-face experiences and ask more questions that foster deeper understanding.
Conversely, men prioritize shared activities, problem-solving, and more reserved, information-focused communication. They emphasize camaraderie by forming bonds through shared activities, hobbies, or work, and through mutual respect and loyalty. They are less likely to be vulnerable or share deep personal details, preferring to keep conversations factual. Men tend to focus on problem-solving, exchanging information, and providing practical solutions rather than dwelling on emotions. They build solidarity through side-by-side activities like playing sports or working on projects together.
As relationship counselor, Dr. John Gray, indicates in his best-selling book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, our differences make it seem like we are from different planets.
So Men Need Diverse Relationships
For these reasons, men needs to be cautious with female friendships. Despite the risks, mixed-gender friendships do offer unique benefits that can outweigh the challenges. As I wrote in Balancing Our Masculine and Feminine Sides, females help us balance our maleness with traits such as kindness, compassion, nurturing, empathy, a sense of humor, and relational connectedness. Mixed-gender friendships also help broaden perspectives, improve communication, and break down gender stereotypes.
However, I also believe every man needs a deep, authentic friendship with another man he can trust with his struggles, especially those that cause instability and discomfort in his life that I will detail in my next post.
Next Up: Part 3 of Caution in Opposite Gender Friendship with the answer to the question: Should your spouse be your “best” friend?
[Feature Photo Created by ChatGPT]
