My last post, Taking Stock of Your Friendships, included two tools to help men develop better friendships (download them for FREE here and here). Even if you’re wrestling with questions about your faith or manhood, these tools can help you identify others for the kind of friendship I believe every man needs: the deeper, more authentic friendship I call a GodBuddy. The next few posts will help you create a bond with another man, add depth to your relationships, and strengthen your friendship so it lasts.
Why Men Need Better Friendships
Throughout my case for Better Male Friendships, I showed evidence for the need for better friendships that build better men. I strongly believe that friendships between mature men can offset the harmful and oppressive “toxic” behaviors that we see exhibited by too many immature males these days. Building better men can also help address the reasons why so many boys and young males are failing in many aspects of life.
I’m not the only one who believes we need to help boys and men. Data backs it up.
Experts such as Richard Reeves, author Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It, are concerned that boys and young males are falling behind in school, the workplace, and in their families. Even former President Barack Obama and wife, Michelle, have joined the effort to reframe the narrative and positively address the challenges of boys and men in a recent podcast, “Focus on What’s Right About Young Men”.
Author and philosopher, Christina Hoff Sommers, argues that modern education policies are neglecting and even harming boys in her book, The War Against Boys: How Misguided Policies Are Harming Our Young Men. We need government policies that support boys and men equally as we support girls and women. The Institute for Family Studies provides considerable evidence that fatherlessness has a terrible impact on young men.
We must also adjust societal expectations about what it means to be a mature adult man. The National Institute for Health reports that Loneliness in Men 60 Years and Over is on the rise. Another study shows friendships for middle-aged men are dwindling. This presents an opportunity to create more role models and mentors through intergenerational friendships.
For all these reasons, the Decline of Friendships, especially among males, has serious consequences. Overcoming these challenges requires a conscious effort by men to develop and maintain meaningful friendships.
At this point, you may be asking, “Where do I begin?”
Here are some steps to consider.
First, Have Realistic Expectations
Of course, you could just try harder to make some friends. You can meet as many people as possible. You can hang-out at the local pub or attend a variety of MeetUps in your area. But there are better ways to find deep friendships.
Finding men with every quality you want or the experience you need, will be hard. It may even seem impossible at times. But don’t become discouraged. It will take time to find the right guy for this type of friendship.
You are looking for a man who inspires you. Look for someone you admire who can share their wisdom and failures. Look for someone who is willing to help you grow and is interested in growing himself.
All that said, you are not looking for the perfect man. That is impossible. Scripture says everyone is flawed and sinful. It also reminds us that only Jesus embodies all the qualities we should model. In His divine nature, He was both fully God and fully human. The Son of God was inherently perfect and unchanging, and lived a sinless life, fulfilling God’s will perfectly.
Then, Take Steps to Find Some GodBuddies
Since the primary goal of becoming GodBuddies is to share the common pursuit of becoming more like Christ, it will take extra time and effort to find the right man or small group of men. Once you complete the Relational Self-Assessment and Friendship Assessment, follow these steps:
- Pray About Your Fear of Making Friends:
Whether you’re a churchgoer, skeptic, or somewhere in between, I believe the starting point for connecting with another guy is to pause, pray, and say, “God, give me the courage to take the first step.” Pray for some holy intervention. Pray for God to ease your fears. Then, pray for each of the people on the list of friends you identified earlier. Listen to the Holy Spirit to guide you to those men. God knows who you need as your GodBuddy so trust Him with the outcome.
- Find Commonality with Another Guy
Get out of your man cave! Start attending functions with other men. This could include getting out to see some of your favorite sport teams with another guy at work or church. Since guys like to work side-by-side, try doing a hobby together or volunteering. Pursue a friendship with someone you admire. It might mean taking a little risk and reaching out to someone you want to learn from. Again, the Friendship Survey may help you determine who to approach about becoming a GodBuddy.
- Stick with It!
Your first attempt at finding a GodBuddy may not be successful. You may have just caught him at the wrong time so don’t take it personally. Also, some all friendships start strong and then fade over time. The reality is that friendships do not last forever. But keep at it.
Don’t Fear Better Friendship
I have found that when men are less confident, full of fear, or anxious, they won’t allow themselves to get close to other men. They lean back on our heels and are afraid of rejection or manipulation. They back away from small groups of friends because they don’t want to let anyone see you being vulnerable, or they fear getting hurt by a betrayal of confidentiality. All are critical issues for male friendship.
So don’t be afraid to take the first step to identify some men to become your GodBuddies. It is worth the time and effort to become better friends with other men who help you grow into a better man.
Next Up: Finding a Bond with Another Man.
[Feature Photo Created by ChatGPT]
