This series on The Year for Better Male Friendships moves to another set of traits of the deeper, more authentic friendship that every man needs. As I continue making my case that men need better friendships, this next excerpt from my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships, describes two more traits that help transform a good friendship into a GodBuddy: developing trust and establishing confidentiality.
Trust is Important to Men
Dr. Michael Kimmel and his team at Stoney Brook University conducted research on Men and Masculinity that revealed:
- 87% of men say that their male friendships are important in their life
- 90% of men agree that their friendships are built on trust, not just a bunch of people with whom they have a good time.
- 91% of men agree they would rather have a few meaningful friendships instead of many acquaintances.
Most of the time, men enter into relationships with a bit of caution because we’re wired to compete.. This aversion goes back to our caveman days when we did not know if the stranger approaching us would pillage our town, steal our food, and take our weapons. During modern times, industrialization puts us in competition for job security and financial gain, so we’ve learned not to let anyone get too close to us for fear they might exploit our weaknesses. In sports, we learn to trust teammates for the final shot in the big game or when the coach trusts us with more playing time after we know the playbook well.
The same goes for friendships. Once men gain trust, even the most basic relationship expands into a deeper responsibility to each other.
Trust Defined
Merriam-Webster’s online Dictionary describes Trust as an assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something one in which confidence is placed. It’s also a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship. As a verb, Trust means to rely on the truthfulness, to place confidence in or rely on a friend you can trust, or to hope or expect confidently without fear or misgiving.
It Takes Time to Build Trust…
In his book, The Accountable Man: Pursuing Integrity Through Trust and Friendship, Tom Eisenman writes that there are several stages to a maturing friendship. The first comes by simply enjoying the time you spend with someone you like. As I wrote in my previous post, this is the stage of Finding Commonality and Building Chemistry.
The next stage is the deepening of trust, which occurs as men spend more time together. We build trust as it becomes easier to talk about the issues we face. Conversations often start with our frustrations at work, problems with a neighbor, or difficulties with our spouse or children.
Occasionally, though, someone opens up about a drinking problem, anger, or a sexual temptation. This often leads to one of you revealing their struggle with the same issue. But rarely is there acknowledgment of a big sin at this stage, which occurs in Eisenman’s third stage of accountability. This level usually occurs only after you build and deepen your trust for each other. I will write more on accountability in an upcoming post.
…but Only Seconds to Lose Trust
It’s important to note, though, that you usually earn trust slowly but can lose it very quickly. Warren Buffet is quoted as saying, “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.” You must keep trust at the forefront of your GodBuddy relationship.
Once men begin to develop trust, they also need the important next step of agreeing on confidentiality.
Confidentiality Defined
The definition of confidentiality is the state of keeping or being kept secret or private. As an adjective, it means spoken, written, acted on, etc., in strict privacy or secrecy; a secret, a confidential remark indicating confidence or intimacy; imparting private matters. It means having another’s trust or confidence, entrusted with secrets or private affairs.
In The Accountable Man, Tom Eisenman uses the word “Trustworthiness” to describe the absolute confidentiality needed for an accountable relationship to work. Eisenman’s rule is that you share nothing inside the relationship with the outside world unless you have permission. He feels that even the smallest things that may seem of no consequence should be held in strict confidence. What could be a small issue (like some marital discord or a problem that can affect a career) could be a bigger issue to someone than you think, such as an addiction problem or a developing emotional affair.
Regardless of the size or type of offense, you must demonstrate that you are trustworthy and your friend can trust you to keep everything in complete confidence whenever he opens up to you.
Deepening Trust with Confidentiality
As I wrote in The Masks We Hide Behind, we men tend to hide to avoid showing our weaknesses. However, a friendship deepens once you share something a little bit more personal or “below the surface” such as your problem with lust, pornography, or an addiction. This step often leads to the other man responding with his sincere interest in helping you. It’s also when you begin to talk about the bigger issues. However, this implied level of trust does not cement a deep, trusting friendship just yet.
The next step is when one of you asks that you keep whatever is said to each other within the confines of your relationship. It’s the “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” mantra. This often step results in a greater level of honesty and intimacy that creates the deep trust needed to become GodBuddies.
A Covenant of Confidentiality
After your friend establishes this level of trust, you must reciprocate the same level of trust to him. Once you open up and let each other see inside your bigger flaws and sins, you must agree upon complete confidentiality, since it helps sharpen you into a godly man. This covenant of privacy clears the way for more open and honest discussions. It means things discussed between you stay between the two of you.
Simply put, confidentiality means that nothing you discuss ever gets repeated, even to your wife or anyone else in your circle of friends, without that person’s permission. Never.
Strict Confidentiality, except…
Now I must insert a qualifier at this point. There is only one reason to break confidentiality. If you believe the safety of your friend, his family, or anyone else is in jeopardy, YOU MUST GET HELP! Go to a pastor, or even the police, if there is any concern whatsoever about the threat of your friend harming themselves or they might harm others. Discretion is distinguishing between keeping something private and when you should share information that could be harmful. GodBuddies must use discretion.
What if the Covenant is Broken?
GodBuddy friendships are rarely void of obstacles and disappointments along the way. When a relationship gets tested, it can wither and die if not managed properly. But it can also grow stronger if handled well.
If you find out that your friend has broken confidentiality, you need to reassess your relationship and take control of how it goes forward. You may want to limit your communication and behavior. You may need to edit how much and what you share. Limit the time you spend together. Adjust your expectations or set new ones.
Inform your friend that what they did was not okay. Be gentle but firm. Be especially clear about how you want the friendship to play out— whether it can even continue, depending on the level of breach of your trust by him. Learning to trust again will be tough.
You may also need to weigh the cost of losing the relationship against the benefit of re-establishing trust. The best path might be to just move on. Otherwise, begin again with clear expectations and tighter boundaries until they gain your trust again.
Biblical Support
The Bible is also full of help for your GodBuddy relationship, specifically the book of Proverbs, which is also referred to as “the book of wisdom.” Proverbs 1:7 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.” Only fools despise the wisdom of a good friend that they trust.
GodBuddies need trusted advisors who listen well. We need friends who do not judge and can keep our secrets. We need a personal “board of directors” who can help us with the struggles and big decisions in life. Proverbs 28:26 indicates, “Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe.” It helps to trust others who have gone down the road of life ahead of you and gained wisdom the hard way.
Use Discretion for “Holy Secrets”
Proverbs also encourages us to use “discretion” as you handle these confidential situations: “Discretion will guard you, Understanding will watch over you” (Proverbs 2:11).
Proverbs provides further wisdom about maintaining confidentiality. “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16). It always helps to pray whenever you need to share something confidentially.
Lastly, the physician’s Hippocratic Oath says, “And whatsoever I shall see or hear in the course of my profession… if it be what should not be published abroad, I will never divulge, holding such things to be holy secrets.”
To ensure trust and confidentiality, GodBuddies must keep all of your discussions as “holy secrets” —that is unless you believe the safety of your friend, his family, or anyone else is in jeopardy.
Next Up: My next post in another important set of traits: Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Transparency.
[Feature Photo by Rock Staar on Unsplash]
