One of the most critical emotions to overcome for men is fear. It is an emotion that lies to us and causes us to question everything about ourselves. In this first of a two-part post, I describe the characteristics of fear, how and why it lies to us, and the fears most men have. The subsequent post will explain some positive aspects of fear and how having a healthy fear can help you live fully and authentically as a mature adult male.
About Fear
For many of us, fear of the unknown is crippling. Personally, I fear uncertainty and want to know what’s ahead of me so I like to be in control. It’s one of (many) faults.
As I wrote in an earlier series on Better Manhood Skills, Controlling Your Emotions, Fear is one of the eight emotions difficult for men to manage (The others include Anger, Sadness, Happiness, Pridefulness/Ego, Guilt/Shame, Anxiety, and Boredom/Aloneness).
A simple definition of Fear is: an unpleasant emotion caused by our anticipation or belief that someone or something is dangerous, or likely to cause pain or a threat. It arises from a perceived physical, emotional, or psychological, real or imagined. Fear distorts our perception of reality and manipulates our decision-making. It can paralyze us when confronting tough choices. It leads people to believe the worst-case scenarios, and prevents us from taking necessary risks. Fear makes us question our abilities and worth. It prevents us from seizing opportunities, or stepping out of our comfort zones. Fear keeps men up at night.
Fear Says “You Are Not Enough”
I was reminded of my own “fears of fear” when I recently heard the song, Fear is a Liar by Christian artist, Zack Williams. Fear feeds on our insecurities and doubts. It whispers negative thoughts and put self-doubt in our ear. Fear tells us we’re not capable or deserving of success. It tells us we are not worthy, not loved, not handsome, not successful. It convinces us we are not good enough, strong enough, or rich enough.
The song’s lyrics sums it up as “You’ll never be enough. Fear, he is a liar.”
The Fears Of Men
In a post by All Pro Dad titled, The 5 Biggest Fears Of Men, BJ Foster describes the 5 most common fears of men:
- Failing
- Being Incompetent
- Being Weak (or Being Perceived as Weak)
- Being Irrelevant
- Looking Foolish
I’d add the fear of Disappointment and fear of Rejection.
The truth is, most adult men fear letting people down. We’ve stepped up to our responsibilities as a husband, dad, worker. We do the best we can to balance work and family obligations. Many men look like we have it all together but the fear of making a mistake or being found out is heavy. We fear disappointing to our spouse, our children, or our bosses. Fear opens questions about irrelevance and ultimately rejection.
All of these create a fear of failure—of failing to be a man.
Friends Help Each Other Overcome Fear
Regular readers of my blog know that I believe having a circle of friends is critical to every man’s success. While one or two very good friends is helpful, my belief is that guys need GodBuddies; which is a small group of mature men who form deeper, more authentic friendships for the purpose of helping each other become more Christ-like. This personal board of directors, per se, can help men address their fears, provide encouragement, and overcome their failures before they even know they have them.
So stick with me for the second part of this message on overcoming your fear in the next post. I will describe some positive traits of fear, especially how having a healthy fear is crucial to living fully and authentically as a mature adult male.
Wisdom for Men is based on my opinions on topics that help men become better men. The sources used for these posts are not fact-checked, but support my theory that men are better with deeper, more authentic friendships. My GodBuddy theory is based on biblical principles but applies to all men, regardless of their beliefs. Better friendships among men will help solve the crisis of male friendships and many of today’s problems… because the world needs better men!
[Feature Image from GoCorps. “Fear Is a Liar” lyrics ©So Essential Tunes, Be Essential. Songwriters: Jason Ingram/Zach Williams/Jonathan Lindley Smith]
